


when the blood stains the battlefield (and your hands)

by myrddinthewizard



Series: how to love a liar [13]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angry Merlin (Merlin), Angst, BAMF Merlin (Merlin), BAMF Morgana (Merlin), Complex relationships, M/M, Nothing new here, and disowning uther in the process, as usual, enjoy, enough of everyone's shit really, idk man that's all i have, like a very small hint, maybe like a hint of merlin/gwaine, merlin has had enough of your shit, morgana being the baddest bitch as usual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:21:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29765805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myrddinthewizard/pseuds/myrddinthewizard
Summary: Merlin barely thought as he threw out his magic in every direction, seeking to protect every red cape in the mass of people. Part of him was bitter at the thought. The thought that he was out here defending an army clad in capes that were stained with the blood of his kin. But he pushed through it.He was friends with most of the knights, anyway. And he never wanted them to find out like this, but he could only hope they would accept him. Though a dim part of him wondered if acceptance was enough. After all, Arthur had accepted him. But their relationship was nothing close to perfect. And honestly, Merlin didn’t know he wanted it to be.(aka where arthur realizes without merlin, camelot would fall)
Relationships: Gwen & Merlin (Merlin), Gwen & Morgana (Merlin), Merlin & Morgana (Merlin), past Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: how to love a liar [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2058711
Comments: 68
Kudos: 156





	1. part 1

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Merlin BBC.
> 
> note: the dorocha never happened and morgause is still alive
> 
> (read series in order)

> _“I put my life in your hands every day, Merlin, as does Arthur and Gwen and all of Camelot, though they may not know it. You're the one who holds the fate of this kingdom in the balance.”_
> 
> \- Gaius to Merlin

Morgana leaned her head back against the hardback of the bed and stroked Aithusa’s scales. “I’m sorry. I haven’t treated you as well as I could have.”

Aithusa simply mewled and curled into her arms. Morgana had to blink back sudden tears.

“I never really learned how to raise a baby dragon. Then again, neither has Merlin. I guess we both failed to be what you needed from us.” Morgana whispered.

There was a sudden knock and Morgana nearly jumped out of her skin as the door cracked open. 

“Elyan? Are you— oh.” Gwen froze at the sight of Morgana and Aithusa. Her knuckles turned white from where they gripped the door frame. “Morgana.”

Morgana’s hand paused. “Elyan and Percival left. I think they went down to the lower town.”

Gwen’s gaze flicked between them before she suddenly moved inside, leaving the door wide open. “Oh.”

A tense silence fell over the room. Gwen crept forward and lowered herself next to Aithusa. “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”

Morgana stared up at Gwen. “Yeah. She is.”

Gwen stared back, a thousand unsaid words filling the space between them. She curled her hand over Aithusa, nearly brushing Morgana’s fingers in the process. “What are you doing, Morgana?”

“I don’t know.” The words were bitter on her tongue but she forced them out nonetheless. The least Gwen deserved was the truth. “I have no idea. I just—”

Gwen took in a breath, her gaze flicking to the open door. She didn’t say anything in response and that unnerved Morgana more than anything. 

“I thought that you would become queen.” Morgana blurted out.

Gwen stiffened. “What?”

“I thought that you and Arthur would marry. And you would be queen. When I deserved to be queen.” 

“And what am I supposed to do about that? I’m not a queen and I never will be.”

“I know,” Morgana said. “I just— that’s why I was so angry at you. You were stealing my throne and I— reacted badly.”

Gwen furrowed her eyebrows. “Right. And now that I’m no threat to your throne, we can be friends again?”

Morgana hesitated. “You would want to? After everything, I did to you?”

Gwen’s lips curled. “Can I ask you one thing? Were we ever friends?”

“Of course,” Morgana replied without thinking. “You were my closest friend.”

“But it wasn’t strong enough because clearly, that friendship was worth throwing away if it meant you got what you wanted.”

Morgana sat up. “No.”

“No? The only reason I’m not dead right now is because I’m no longer getting courted by the king. If I was, you wouldn't hesitate. You certainly didn’t before.”

Morgana’s lips trembled. “It wasn’t you, Gwen. I had lost my way—”

“And you found it?” Gwen looked up. “You just told me you didn’t know what you were doing here. That doesn’t sound like you found your way.”

“I’m on the right track. Merlin will—”

“Merlin? You trust him?” Gwen asked, her voice hard. 

“No. I mean, yes. I don’t—”

Gwen leaned forward. “I want to believe that you have the best intentions, alright? I want to believe that you’re here to make things right. But make no mistake, Morgana. We were never friends. The moment that stupid throne meant more to you than I did, that was lost. That’s something you can’t get back.”

Morgana had always thought of Gwen as the nicest, kindest girl she knew. But right now, with her eyes as cold as flint, Morgana wondered what happened. Then it came to her and Morgana nearly broke. “Gwen—”

“I hope you find your way. I’m so sorry for everything that you’ve gone through and I hope that you’ll find your place. Whether it’s here or somewhere else.” Gwen moved back. “Welcome home, Morgana.”

Morgana moved to her feet with Gwen. “Wait, um. Are we— I mean, do we—”

“Merlin trusts you. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t have ever let you into Camelot. And I trust Merlin’s judgment. Maybe one day, we can be friends. But don’t ask that of me right now because that's the cruelest thing you could do.” Gwen turned to leave.

Morgana stepped forward. “Gwen. I— I’m sorry.”

Gwen turned her head but didn’t look back, her voice barely a whisper. “Me too.” And the door swung closed behind her.

* * *

Gwen watched as Merlin carefully sorted through the herbs. His movements were smooth, almost instinctive. Gwen let out a heavy breath. “What are you thinking?”

Merlin’s movement stalled for half a second before he tied up the bag and tossed it on the table behind him. “Nothing.”

Gwen raised an eyebrow. “Nothing? Something’s clearly on your mind.”

Merlin grasped the other bag and pulled on it. “It doesn’t matter.”

Gwen leaned forward and caught Merlin’s wrist, stilling him instantly. “Merlin.”

Gwen watched as the muscles in his jaw twitched. After three heartbeats, Merlin dropped the bag and collapsed onto the chair beside him. “I don’t know what to do.”

Gwen hummed. “That seems to be the common consensus among those in Camelot. Arthur conflicted on whether he should kill you or make out with you, Morgana doesn’t know whether she should destroy Camelot or give you another chance, Gwaine—” Gwen cut off abruptly. “Gwaine doesn’t know whether he should stay sober and healthy or drown his sorrows in alcohol.”

Merlin snorted. “What sorrows does Gwaine have?”

Gwen glanced up hesitantly. “You’d be surprised.”

“And just for further reference, Arthur’s not conflicted. He’s just a stubborn ass.”

“Well, we all know that, Merlin,” Gwen muttered. “Honestly, I’m getting sick and tired of it.”

Merlin stared down at the table. “Yeah, well. Don’t blame me.”

Gwen nudged Merlin. “Come on. I feel like you haven't been happy these few months.”

“What’s there to be happy about?”

“A lot of things. You got Aithusa back, Mordred back, Morgana back. Magic is legal and you are free. You’re surrounded by your friends and people who support you. Even if the one person that matters doesn’t.”

Merlin sat back. “He’s not the only one that matters.”

“Then forget about him. He’s the one who pushed you away and if he can’t realize how much you’ve done for him, then he never deserved your loyalty in the first place. You’re the one who said to fuck destiny. So fuck it. Maybe Arthur isn’t the one for you. You just never had a choice in that matter.” Gwen leaned forward. “And now you do.”

“I don’t want you to turn against Arthur—”

“Don’t be an idiot, Merlin. I still love Arthur but this isn’t about sides. All your life, people have made your choices for you. Now it’s your turn. And now you have to let Arthur make his own choices because he hasn’t had a chance to do that either.”

“Gwen—”

Gwen let out a sigh. “Oh my god, Merlin. Can we not talk about this? Everywhere I go people are talking about Merlin and Arthur and Morgana and whether the kingdom is going to fall apart and I’m tired of it. Can we just hang out? Like the old times?”

Merlin swallowed. “No, you’re right. I'm sorry. How have you been? How’s Lance?”

Gwen’s lips curled. “We’re good. Really good. We’ve been spending a lot more time together. I think I’m getting to know him better. I always thought of him as this noble, perfect knight. But honestly, he’s anything but.”

Merlin laughed. “You just realized that? This is the same man who cheated his way into becoming a knight because I told him too.”

“Yeah, his first mistake was listening to you.” 

Merlin shrugged. “I mean, we both know that he deserved to be a knight. Uther’s rules were trash anyway. Arthur’s better.”

Gwen’s smile faltered the slightest bit. “Yeah. When I first saw him at Hengists’, he seemed so lost. Like he’s forgotten who he was and what he had worked his entire life for. He never would’ve come back if it wasn’t for you.”

“Yeah, well. He never would’ve stayed if it wasn’t for you.”

Gwen scoffed. “Don’t even. I’m still pissed off that he left me because he thought that I chose Arthur. Please. He made that decision for me.”

“In his eyes, it was a lost man who used a sword to get money against a prince. I don’t blame him for being self-conscious.”

“Arthur was easy. He liked me and it wasn’t too bad to get courted by a prince. But it wasn’t real. We loved each other but it wasn’t _love_ love. Lancelot always had my heart. There was never a choice between them.” Gwen muttered, picking at her dress.

Merlin nodded. “Yeah. It was never a choice.”

Gwen glanced up, worried. “Merlin—”

The door slammed open and Gwen jumped, nearly toppling off her chair. Elyan gripped the door frame. “Oh thank god. I’ve been looking for you. We’re under attack.”

Merlin sat up. “What?”

“I left Aithusa in my room, just so you know. I have no idea where Morgana is so you have to find her—”

“Who?” Merlin staggered to his feet. “Whose army?”

Elyan’s throat bobbed nervously. “Cenred. And if I’m not mistaken, he’s leading the ranks alongside Morgause.”

“Morgause? I haven’t heard from her in over a year.”

Elyan backed away. “Stay inside, Gwen. I’ve got to go.”

Elyan disappeared in a flash. Merlin cursed and grabbed the door, turning to Gwen. “I need to go, too. Stay safe.”

Gwen rushed forward. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Aithusa. She’s startled easily. Can you watch over her?”

Gwen nodded. “Of course—”

Before Gwen finished, Merlin was gone.

_\--0-o-0--_

Merlin burst outside and tumbled down the steps. The entire army was lined up and Arthur was at the front, yelling orders. Merlin grabbed the nearest knight. “How far away are they?”

“They’ll be here in less than an hour.”

Before Merlin could question him further, he slipped back into the ranks. Merlin cursed and jogged up to the front. Morgana was nowhere to be seen.

“Merlin.”

Merlin jumped, looking up at Arthur who had stormed up to him. 

“Where the hell is Morgana?”

“I— I don’t know.”

Arthur’s eyes were as cold as flint as he crowded closer. “Find her. And if she has anything to do with the invasion then you’re going to regret ever letting her into my kingdom.”

“Arthur—”

“Find her. And figure out the hell is going on.” Arthur stormed off.

Merlin stumbled back and turned, bolting back inside the castle. He closed his eyes and concentrated, seeking out Morgana’s magic. He burst into a run and followed it and found himself at the base of the stairs that led to the highest towers in the kingdom. Merlin rushed up and stepped out into the cool air. 

From here, Merlin could see Cendred’s army in the distance, advancing to Camelot. Morgana was leaning against one of the large pillars, watching.

Merlin slid up beside her. “Morgana.”

She barely flinched. “Merlin.”

“What is this?”

She shot him a sideways look. “It’s an army, Merlin. I was under the impression that you’ve seen one before.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Let me rephrase that. Why the hell is Cenred and your sister storming on Camelot?”

“Don’t tell me you’re that stupid,” Morgana muttered. “I haven’t seen Morgause in some time.”

“So you don’t have anything to do with it?”

Morgana snorted. “I wish I was. Camelot’s going to be decimated.”

“We fought them off once, we can do it again.”

Morgana looked over at him. “You don’t feel it? The power? The magic? This isn’t the same army as before, Merlin.”

Merlin stiffened. “What are you saying?”

Morgana leaned back over the railing. “Those are sorcerers. Over a quarter of them. The last army was a match for Arthur’s knights. But unfortunately, Arthur’s knights are no match for magic. There’s no hope.”

Merlin stared at the army in disbelief. “Why is she doing this? They’re free. Magic is legal. Isn’t that what they all wanted?”

“Yeah. But they’re not satisfied for the same reason that I’m not satisfied. The same reason that you’re not satisfied. Arthur’s still king. And they’ll never settle for a Pendragon on the throne.”

“But they were willing to crown you.”

“I’m not a Pendragon.”

“You’re Uther’s daughter whether you like it or not. Magic or not. You’ll always be a Pendragon.”

Morgana drummed her fingers against the concrete. “Uther’s not my father. Blood doesn’t make family. But that army out there? They won’t rest until Arthur Pendragon is dead.”

Merlin hesitated. “And you?”

Morgana gave him a look. “Run along, Merlin. I know what you're thinking. But it’ll be a lot harder to defeat an army once they’ve overridden the lower town.”

“You think I can?”

“I know better than to underestimate you.”

Merlin moved closer. “Whose side are you on? And don’t say that you're on your own. Are you with me or with Morgause?”

Morgana’s eyes slipped down to the citadel, where Arthur was still gathering the knights. And then up to Merlin. 

“I can’t do this on my own. We can defeat them. Together.”

“You want me to fight alongside you? Against Morgause and Cenred?”

“Don’t act like you don’t care. The army gets into the lower town and we’re over. All those innocent citizens. Dead. Your heart can’t be that cold.”

Morgana clenched her jaw. “That’s my sister.”

“No, she’s not. Blood doesn’t make family.”

Morgana suddenly snorted looking away.

“She’s a manipulator. I think you know that. She doesn’t care about you. She takes over Camelot and then she'll take the throne for herself. She doesn’t give a shit.” 

“And you do.”

Merlin managed a small smile. “You know me. And I’d like to think that I know you. But I’m not going to stand by and watch Camelot burn to the ground. This is still your home, whether you like it or not. And it’s up to you to decide if you want to defend it.”

Merlin turned and left, forcing himself to run back down to the citadel, his heart heavy in his chest. 

He scanned the crowd until his eyes caught on Gwaine. “Gwaine!”

His head shot up. “Merlin? What are you doing?”

Merlin stumbled closer, gripping his arm. “You can’t fight them.”

“Merlin. Don’t worry about me. I’m trained for this—”

“No, you idiot. They’re sorcerers.”

“What?” Percival crowded closer, catching on to their conversation. 

Merlin swallowed. “Over a quarter of them. I knew something was off before but I didn’t realize it was magic. You can’t fight them.”

Gwaine’s eyes went wide. “What? Then how do we— no.”

“I’ll take care of it.”

“No. Merlin, you cannot destroy an entire army. Are you out of your mind?”

Merlin shook his head. “I have to try. You’re no match for them. I’m not going to stand by and watch you fight in a battle cannot win.”

“Where’s Morgana?”

“She has nothing to do with this. She’ll be fine.”

Gwaine furrowed his eyebrows. “Are you sure? If she called them—”

“She didn’t. Trust me. I know.” Merlin looked around until his eyes caught on Arthur.

“Merlin. What is your plan?” 

He turned back to Gwaine. “Just go. You can fight the half on your level. Leave the rest to me.”

Gwaine searched Merlin’s eyes and then let out a breath. “Ok. Ok. Just, don’t do anything stupid, alright?”

Merlin grinned. “Trust me. If there’s one thing that I’m good at, it’s magic.” And then he took off towards the castle.

_\--0-o-0--_

Gwaine adjusted his grip on his sword and watched as the army drew near. “Where’s Merlin?” They had ventured just outside the gates hoping to hold off the army before they stormed the lower town.

Percival winced. “I don’t know. He said he would come. We have to trust that.”

“If he’s right, then we’re doomed. We’re no match against magic.”

Elyan clapped Gwaine on the back. “But Merlin is. He’ll come.”

Arthur stepped forward as Morgouse and Cenred grew near. Their ranks stretched across the hill and Gwaine instantly knew that if they got past the gates, they would decimate the lower towns.

“Morgause. Stop this. We don’t need unnecessary bloodshed.”

Morgause laughed in response. “Those are bold words from a Pendragon. All your father ever did was cause unnecessary bloodshed.”

“My father was wrong. I’m trying to make things right—”

“The only way you can make things right is if you fall from your throne. Camelot will never be free as long as you’re king.”

Behind her, the knights got ready and Gwaine could already see the magic that sparked through their eyes. Cleary, Arthur did too as he took a slight step back.

Morgouse raised her arm. “Your army is no match for mine. You will never be able to defend yourself from magic. And I won’t stop until you're dead.”

Gwaine clenched his jaw and readied himself. But just before she could drop her arm, there was sky rumbled with thunder. And a sudden bolt of lightning struck the ground between the two armies. For a moment, Gwaine thought that it was Morgause's magic. But standing in the scorched land was Merlin.

Gwaine had to stifle a laugh. Count on Merlin for a dramatic entrance.

Merlin caught his breath and held his head up high, his eyes molten. “You might find that harder than you think, Morgause.”

Her lips simply curled as if she’d expected his presence. “Merlin.”

“I don’t want to do this. Stand down and no one has to get hurt.” Merlin said.

Morgause laughed. “Those are bold words, Emrys. I really don’t understand why you’re going through the trouble.”

“There are innocent people behind those gates, Morgause. And I’ll be damned if I let you hurt them.” Merlin said, taking another careful step forward.

Morgause tilted her head, studying him like he was a mildly entertaining animal. “Those are the same people who would’ve seen you killed. The same people who followed a man who murdered our kind.”

“You cannot blame the people of an entire kingdom for her king. Just as you cannot blame a son for his father. Arthur isn’t perfect. But as long as I’m alive, I'll be there to make sure that people like you and I are safe and we get repaid for the injustices committed against our kind.”

Morgause hummed softly. “Why bother? Why not take the throne for yourself? Why waste your time with that foolish man?”

“Because I was not born to be king.”

“No.” Morgause agreed. “You were king long before you were born. For years, our people have dreamt of the times of Emrys. Our great savior. You’re more a king than Arthur could ever be.”

“I’m not a king. I’m not Emrys. I’m Merlin. And I’m fighting for what I believe to be right. And I believe that everyone deserves a chance. I believe that everyone needs help and guidance to be the person they were meant to be.”

“You’ve given Arthur more than enough chances. He’s useless.”

“He’s the king. And just because he didn’t live up to your expectations doesn’t make him a bad one. It makes him a better one than his father. And it makes him human. You say that I’m your great savior. Then why won’t anyone trust that I will fulfill my destiny?”

Morgause drew her sword. “You’re held back. He’s holding you back. You could be so much more.”

“I don’t want to be more. I just want to be myself. And if that’s not good enough for you, then that’s not my problem. You think that I have failed you, and you found it in yourself to fight back. Then fight. Let’s see who’ll win.”

Morgause met his gaze head-on. Merlin focused on the magic that curled in his gut and bubbled beneath the surface of his skin. He focused on the hard ground below him and the air around him. And he stared back, unyielding.

Out of the corner of his eye, Merlin could see Arthur back away slightly.

Morgause's gaze slipped from Merlin to the army behind. Then she smiled and dropped her hand. “Ok, then. Let’s fight.” And she attacked.

Merlin barely blocked the first shot as Morgause's army curled around them to charge at Camelot’s knights. Merlin let out a yell and dropped to the ground, which rippled at his touch, knocking all the sorcerers off their feet. 

After that, everything became a whirlwind. Merlin quickly realized that he couldn’t protect everyone but that wasn't going to stop him from trying. Merlin grit his teeth and shoved Morgause back, turning to slam himself into another knight.

Merlin barely thought as he threw out his magic in every direction, seeking to protect every red cape in the mass of people. Part of him was bitter at the thought. The thought that he was out here defending an army clad in capes that were stained with the blood of his kin. But he pushed through it. He was friends with most of the knights, anyway. And he never wanted them to find out like this, but he could only hope they would accept him. Though a dim part of him wondered if acceptance was enough. After all, Arthur had accepted him. But their relationship was nothing close to perfect. And honestly, Merlin didn’t know he wanted it to be.

Merlin felt a prickle of magic and turned around just in time to block a fireball of energy that nearly cut through his head. He huffed out a breath and clenched his jaw, shoving back. He didn’t want to kill the sorcerer but Merlin knew that if he pushed back hard enough, that’s exactly what would happen.

Merlin winced and brought the shield up higher. He noticed just too late as Morgause reared up her magic and threw it towards the knights. A yell tore from Merlin’s throat. “No!”

But the magic uselessly bounced off and back to Morgause. From the fray, Morgana slipped through his eyes a bright gold. “Stand down, Morgause. This is a fight you cannot win.”

Morgause stumbled back. “Morgana. You traitor.”

Morgana merely smiled, a golden ball of energy forming in her palms. “It’s not traitorous to fight for your home.”

“Your home? These people betrayed you. They abandoned you.”

Merlin held his breath and nudged forward, sending the opposing knights flying.

“Yeah. But everyone deserves a second chance. As do you.” Morgana stepped forward.

Morgause snarled, backing away. “They’ve manipulated you. See reason, sister—”

“I’m not your sister. Just because we share the same blood doesn’t make us family. Stand down, Morgause. Or I’ll make you.” 

Morgouse was silent for three heartbeats before she yelled and threw herself at Morgana. The two rolled and fought. Morgana met Merlin’s eyes. “Are you going to stand there like a dummy all day or are you going to help?”

Merlin jerked his chin to throw back the knight who started to sneak up behind Morgana. “I didn’t think you were going to come.”

Morgana shrugged. “Me neither.” And then she whirled around, knocking Morgause to the ground.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, so i'm thinking that after this installment, there will be three more?? don't quote me on that. i don't plan on having more than twenty though, so yeah. 
> 
> lmk what you thought of the battle scenes bc I'm still kind of working out how to write those parts. also change my mind but the only time morgana would be almost sensitive and show her emotions is with gwen. no one else. gwen is the only person she truly regrets betraying. 
> 
> thanks for reading and look out for the next chapter later this week :)


	2. part 2

“Merlin!”

Merlin turned around just in time to see Gwaine cut down a knight, breathing heavily. “Maybe save the talk for after the battle?”

Merlin grinned. “Right. Of course.” Merlin swept his hand, throwing back another ring of sorcerers. His eyes caught on Cenred, a few dozen feet away, creeping up steadily on Arthur.

Merlin muttered a spell and appeared before him, startling a yelp. “Cenred. Hello.”

Cenred yelled and attacked but Merlin easily disarmed him and knocked him to the ground. “You do realize that once Morgause gets what she wants, she won’t hesitate to kill you. The only reason that you’re alive is for your army.”

Cenred growled and staggered to his feet. 

“King Cenred.”

Cenred’s gaze slipped to behind Merlin. “King Arthur.”

Arthur moved up beside Merlin. “Go. I’ll take care of him.”

Before Merlin could reply, Cenred launched himself forward, forcing Arthur backward. Merlin backed up and looked around. Everywhere he saw, there were dead bodies and fallen soldiers. 

“Merlin!”

Merlin twisted around just in time to block a spell from Morgause. Morgana backed up next to him. “We can’t do this forever. They’re not tiring.”

Morgana growled and slammed a shield that blocked them off.

Merlin glanced around. “I can’t—”

“Merlin. I’ll take care of Morgause. You do the rest.”

“The rest? Morgana—”

Morgana reached over and grabbed Merlin’s hands with fever. “I’ve spent months and months studying the magic of Emrys. Trying to figure out what was so special about one man.” Her eyes search his. “You don’t have the experience, but you have the power. You have the motivation. What are you trying to do? What are you trying to save?”

Merlin stared back. “I—”

Morgana twisted and slammed through the shield, taking Morgause to the ground. The two rolled, quickly falling back into their dangerous rhythm.

Merlin swallowed roughly and closed his eyes, clearing a wide circle around him. He crouched down and touched the floor, focusing on the magic that pulsed through it and every single sorcerer that stood above it. He focused on his friends and his family that fought for their lives around him. He focused on Morgana, whose heat still tingled through his fingers. And he pulled.

* * *

Arthur whirled back and sliced right through Cendred. He gasped and clawed helplessly at Arthur’s armor. “This wasn’t your war, Cenred.”

Cenred snarled. “You’ll fall one day, Arthur Pendragon. And I’ll be there to meet you in hell.”

Arthur pulled his sword out, and Cenred collapsed at his feet. Leon backed up towards him. “Is that the king?”

Arthur slashed down another knight, his throat tight. “He’d lost his mind anyway.” And then he jumped around Leon to slash through another knight. 

Arthur lost himself in the rhythm of attacking, blocking, dodging, and didn’t see the gold before it attacked, sending him crashing onto his back. The three sorcerers advanced, palms glowing. 

“Look at that.” The one in the middle bared his teeth. “Arthur Pendragon at my feet. Who would’ve thought?”

Arthur scrambled back, his hands grasping uselessly at the dirt where Excalibur once was. The sorcerer twirled the sword leisurely. “‘Take me up and cast me away.’ Pretty words for a sword that’ll soon end up embedded in your gut.”

Arthur tried to stagger to his feet but he seemed pinned to the ground, a weight crushing down. The sorcerer’s eyes glowed, sending flames sparking across the blade. “Any last words, Pendragon?”

Arthur looked around helplessly but he was alone. Merlin was nowhere to be seen. A type of surging guilt settled in his stomach. There was a time when Merlin would never leave Arthur’s side in battle. A time that Arthur knew he’d ruined any chance of getting back. The sorcerer advanced and Arthur winced but before he could strike the entire ground rumbled beneath him.

Arthur shied away from the blade, squeezing his eyes shut. Nothing happened. When Arthur dared to open his eyes again, Excalibur was pointed just a few inches away from Arthur. But its wielder was frozen. Even the flames that ran up the blade seemed to be caught in time. Arthur scrambled back easily and rose to his feet.

Everything had gone silent. Through the mass of frozen soldiers, his eyes caught on movement to the left. Arthur yanked Excalibur from the sorcerer’s tight grip, the flames dying the moment he took it. He carefully crept through and found a wide, empty circle. Within it was Merlin, Morgana, and Morgause.

Morgause glanced up as Arthur entered. “Well, well, well. Of course, you left your king untouched.”

Merlin snarled, his fists curling. “Stop this, Morgause. There’s been enough damage.”

“On the contrary, I don’t think we’re even close to enough. He knows nothing of what it was like to watch the people you love die. To live in fear and terror every second of every day.”

“And what’s your plan? To kill every single person who he loves? What do you think that’ll accomplish?” 

Morgause frowned. “Why not make him understand? You of all people must want that. After all this time he still won’t accept you. He’s still pushing you away, ignorant of what it was really like.”

“You don’t make someone understand by breaking them down. That’s not going to help—”

“He still blames you!” Morgause yelled. “He—”

Merlin let out a shout and shoved Morgause to the ground. “I’m not going to topple Camelot because I’m pissed off at one person. I don’t know who the hell you think I am but people have got to stop turning me against him.” Merlin stalked forward. “You can say whatever the hell you want but you know better than to think that’s going to change my mind.”

Morgause went silent, her eyes flicking from Merlin to Arthur. Merlin backed up and looked at Arthur. “Where’s Cenred?”

Arthur, still frozen in shock, met his gaze. “Dead.”

Merlin dragged his eyes down over his bloody armor. “Are you alright?”

“I— I’m fine. What- did you stop time or something?”

Merlin shrugged a dangerous smirk curling at his lips. “For them, yes.”

“All of them?”

Merlin stared at him, his eyes almost pitiful. “I forget you’ve never seen me in action before. You’re right about that. You really don’t know shit about me.”

“That’s not my fault. You never told me.”

Merlin tilted his head, his eyes sparkling in a way that sent shivers down Arthur’s spine. “Oh, sorry. When the hell did you bother to ask?”

Morgana stepped between them. “O-ok. Why don’t you two put your problems aside for one second because we have a bigger one.”

Merlin looked away and Arthur had to bite down on his lip to stop from talking. 

“Walk away, Morgause. And I’ll let your army live.” Merlin said, his voice drained and tired.

Morgause stared back, her eyes curious. “You would kill them? Every last one?”

“I’m not here to hurt anyone. I’ve had enough of this. Go home, Morgause—”

“Camelot was my home. I was born there. It was your physician that smuggled me out because it wasn’t safe for me, a sorceress, to live in Camelot. I was raised by the High Priestesses of the Old Religion.”

“I didn’t ask to hear a sob story,” Merlin said, stepping forward. “We all have shitty pasts and we all want justice. But this is not the way to get it.”

“And what’s your way? Sit around and wait for something that’s never going to happen?”

“It is going to happen.”

Morgause whirled on Arthur. “You don’t talk. You know nothing—”

“You’re right. I know nothing about magic and how to help make things right. But I do know what effect magic has had on my life. I was born of the same magic of one of your fellow high priestesses. My father sacrificed my mother and lost himself in bitterness and hatred. And he blamed magic so he wouldn’t have to bear the guilt. It was wrong. The whole situation was wrong. It was my birth that started the Great Purge. And it’s my destiny to stop it.”

Morgause scoffed. “Your destiny? What do you know about destiny?”

“I know that my family has caused unimaginable harm on your people. And I can apologize all I want but that’s not going to change anything. I’ve been ignorant and I’ve let other things come in the way of the process. And as king, I was taught to never let my personal feelings affect my rulings.” Arthur said, his voice strained. 

“And yet that’s exactly what you did.”

“I- I know. I screwed up and I thought that I could do it alone but I can’t.”

Morgause moved forward. “No. You can’t do it at all—”

“And neither can you. He’s one man, Morgause.” Morgana stepped in. “I would be concerned about why you think you would be a better ruler.”

“I know magic. I know what our people need—”

“You’re a fool. You care for no one but yourself. Cenred was just a pawn in your game. A tool in order to get what you wanted. You used him to gain power and we both know that once you got what you wanted, you would’ve disposed of him without a single thought.” Morgana growled.

Morgause tilted her head. “Are you defending Cenred?”

“No. I’m telling you because you did the same thing to me. Don’t lie, Morgause. The only reason you ever cared for me was because I had royal blood. And you could use me to rise to the top. I was a puppet!” Morgana’s voice rose to a yell.

“Don’t. I took you in long before I know of your heritage. I saved you from Uther. I saved you from living in that tyrannical kingdom. You should be grateful.”

Morgana laughed. “Grateful? Why? Because you pushed me against the people who actually cared about me? I had friends in Camelot. Even if Uther was mad, I had a home there. I nearly killed the people I loved because of you.”

“The people you loved? You mean the same people who wouldn’t have hesitated to kill you if they had known about your powers? Don’t be naïve, Morgana.”

“You knew nothing of my life. You used my anger and bitterness to twist me into a person that I wasn’t. You enchanted me without my knowledge when you brought the Knights of Medhir to Camelot. Had Merlin not poisoned me, the kingdom would’ve died.”

“Those were necessary sacrifices to get what we deserved. I gave up my plan to save your life. Merlin was the one who tried to kill you.”

“Yeah.” A bitter smile curled at her lips. “And looking back, I don’t necessarily blame him. I’m done, Morgause. I’m done with you. I know what I want. And I’ll get it without destroying everyone I care about. And if you can’t handle that, I have no qualms about dealing with you.”

Morgause shook her head. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t I? You trained me in everything that I know. And I thank you for that. Because that’s the same training that I can use to end your life. Right here and right now.”

“You can’t kill a High Priestess.” Morgause snarled.

Morgana raised her chin. “Watch me.”

Arthur took a careful step closer. “Morg—”

“No!” Morgause whirled on Arthur, her magic lashing out.

Before Merlin could even register what was happening, Morgana shoved up a shield and pushed Morgause back, placing herself in front of Arthur. “Give it up. It’s three against one.”

Morgause gave a cruel laugh. “Three against one? Arthur is useless and Merlin’s using up all of his energy on keeping our armies frozen. And between the two of us, I think we both know who’s stronger.”

Morgana raised her arms. “Don’t underestimate me.”

“I taught you everything you know. I know your moves inside and out. You can’t beat me.”

Morgana let out a shuddering breath, glancing towards Merlin.

Merlin sucked in a breath, looking around. “You deal with Morgause. I’ll deal with the rest. That was the plan, yeah?”

Morgana clenched her fists. “I can’t—”

“Don’t give up now. I’m this close to passing out.” Merlin muttered. “It’s your fight.”

Morgause watched the exchange carefully, her eyes blank. Morgana straightened, gently shoving Arthur away with her magic. “Alright then. What are you waiting for?”

Morgause backed up. “You’re going to regret this.”

“The only thing I regret was trusting you in the first place. So, come on. Or are you a coward?”

Morgause yelled and threw her magic at Morgana, who shoved it back. Merlin backed away and whispered a spell, encasing Morgana and Morguase in a small bubble that blocked them off. Then he whispered a spell, and the world around them spurred to life.

* * *

Morgana racked her mind for every single spell that Morgause had ever taught her. They’d practiced together for months so Morgana was well attuned to her movements, meeting every one of her attacks.

Morgause shoved her back. “You’re a bit rusty, Morgana. I thought I taught you better than that.”

Morgana growled and pushed back. Her mind went on autopilot, spells tumbling from her lips with every move. Morgause blasted her against the wall and her movements went sluggish. Morgause’s magic wrapped around her, seeping through her skin and tearing through her cells.

“Come on, Morgana. You’re better than this. Surrender and I might just let you live.”

A scream tore from Morgana’s lips and she shoved Morgause’s magic away, dropping to the ground. She slammed down a shield just in time to block another spell. The magic sparked along the wall, pushing on Morgana. She flung the shield forward, throwing Morgause away.

Morgana stumbled, nearly crashing to the ground. Her skin seemed like it was on fire and her magic was flickering weakly within her. She coughed. “What the hell type of spell was that?”

Morgause rose to her feet. “You didn’t think I taught you all my tricks did you?”

Morgana spared a glance outside their bubble. Merlin was nowhere to be seen but the damage was clear. She could almost feel Merlin’s magic sparking over the army and distinguishing the brunt of the opposing magic. But Morgana knew that it wouldn’t last long. And the easiest way to defeat an army was to defeat its leader.

Morgause was muttering a spell, a wall of burning fire glimmering in the air before her. Morgana scrambled back as far as she could but Morgause just moved along with her. “It’s a shame. I was hoping for more of a fight. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Morgana gave a weak laugh. “I can’t say the same for myself. Don’t try to act all honorable. Don’t do anything just because we share the same blood.”

Morgause stalked even closer, the flamed engulfing Morgana in heat as she neared. “No. I won’t. It’s a disgrace, though. Together, we could’ve ruled the world.”

Shame crawled through Morgana. Just a mere month ago, she was almost as lost as Morgause. She could remember fighting Merlin. She didn’t realize how crazy she once sounded and the thought of it just made her angrier. “I can do that without you.”

And she yelled, thinking back to a spell that Morgause had taught her so long ago. Morgause went flying, crashing into the ground with a painful crunch. Morgana gathered her magic and pushed, nearly shoving her through the ground. Morgause groaned, her head tipping back.

Gritting her teeth, she thrust forward, pinning Morgause down. “Is that a good enough fight?”

Morgause clawed at her throat, gasping for air but Morgana didn’t relent. She pushed her anger forward. All the vexation from the years of manipulation and faked truths and promises of something that could never be. A twinge of guilt grew in her stomach. After all, she was just like her, fighting for what she believed to be right. What gave Morgana the right to kill her? But then she looked up and caught sight of Arthur, who was pushing back, defending a knight who had fallen. She looked at Leon, who was once her closest friend, who was fighting for his kingdom. His home.

She thought of Gwen, who was back home, watching over those who weren’t out on the battlefield. Gwen, who had stared at her with barely concealed tears, demanding why Morgana betrayed her. And she looked down at Morgause, whose eyes were wild and her lips pulled back in an ugly snarl. And that guilt faded. Morgause brought this upon herself.

She was the one who attacked Camelot. She was the one who gave Morgana a family, only to tear it away. She was the one who chose violence over compromise. Destruction over hope. 

“I’m sorry.” Morgana choked out. “I’m sorry that I didn’t save you in time. I’m sorry that you had no one to help you.”

Morgause wheezed, her eyes flaring. “You—”

“I hope you find your peace. Because I’m afraid that you’re not going to get it here.” Morgana squeezed her eyes shut, wrapping her magic around her. “Goodbye, Morgause. You can rest now.”

And she let her magic go, Morguase’s scream echoing in her ears.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk how i feel about this chapter but I'm really excited for the next one. if I'm feeling generous (or if i just have no self-control) I'll post the last chapter sat/sun. I've already written most of it so it's just editing. lmk what you thought in the comments :)


	3. part 3

Merlin caught a sorcerer around his wrist, pulling him close. His eyes were wide and terrified. He couldn’t have been more than eighteen years old. 

“Leave. This battle is over.”

The boy struggled, his eyes flaring but Merlin held firm. “Morgause doesn’t mean well. Your place isn’t here. Go.”

Merlin let go and the boy stumbled back. He took a glance around and then met Merlin’s eyes. And then he bolted, running away. 

Suddenly, a loud scream echoed across the ground and rippled through the mass of people, throwing Merlin back. Everything seemed to slow, blurring into a sluggish motion as they realized that their leader was dead. Most of the army-backed away, knowing that it was over. But when the few stubborn sorcerers refused to give up, Merlin whispered a spell and the ground opened up beneath them, sucking them away. He was honestly too tired to deal with it. 

He found Morgana standing over Morgause’s body, her face ashen. Merlin gently tugged her arm. “Go home. I’ll take care of the body.”

“What did you do with them?”

“I sent them elsewhere.”

“But—”

“Morgana. Thank you. But you shouldn’t have to bury her body. Go home.”

Morgana’s eyes filled with tears. “I killed her.”

Merlin stepped forward and engulfed her in a hug. “I know. It’s going to be alright. I’ll take care of the rest, ok?”

Morgana pulled back, furrowing her eyebrows. “Christ, Merlin. You need to get some rest. The amount of magic you did—”

“I’ll sleep. Just not now. You, on the other hand, need to go.”

“Merlin?” Gwaine called.

Morgana nodded and backed away.

Merlin turned around as Gwaine tackled him into a hug. “What the hell happened?”

“Just some magic.”

Gwaine frowned. “Are you ok?”

Merlin’s eyes slid past Gwaine to Arthur, who turned away the moment Merlin noticed him. “I’m fine. I’m just.. tired.”

“Come on. Let’s get you home.”

“I have to take care of Morguase’s body. The least she deserves is a proper burial,” Merlin whispered.

Gwaine slung his arm around his shoulders. “Ok. Can I come with you? I’m sure Arthur and the other can deal with everything else.”

Merlin relaxed into Gwaine’s grip, trying to clear his mind. “Would you? I don’t want to be alone.”

“You’re never alone. Come on. I’ll help.”

* * *

Morgana traced her fingers over the concrete, trying to expel the vision of Morgause from her mind. It seemed like every time she closed her eyes, that was all she could see. The cold, dead look in her eyes before she took her last shuddering breath. 

“Of course you’re up here. You always loved finding the highest places in the castle.”

Morgana leaned forward, the air bitter. “There’s something refreshing about being above everyone else and looking down on them.”

Arthur gave a startled laugh, appearing next to Morgana. He was silent for a few minutes, just staring into space. He suddenly spoke up. “I wanted to thank you. With the battle and Morgause and everything. It took some time but we got most of it sorted out. We still need to figure what to do with  Essetir now that Cenred is dead but I really do appreciate your help.”

Morgana raised an eyebrow. “You’re thanking me? Christ, I think the world's ending.”

Arthur knocked their elbows together. “Shut up. I’m serious. I know I didn’t really trust you before but you can’t blame me for that. I just couldn’t stand to let you in if you were just going to betray me again.”

Morgana shrugged. “Yeah, well. Your welcome. I did save your life.”

“You did. And I know that I probably don’t deserve it but I’m glad you did. I mean, you killed your sister and I—”

Morgana waved him off. “She wasn’t my sister. I’ll draft the official documents later but I have disowned her. As well as Uther. I really want nothing to do with them. Even if they’re both dead.”

“And me?”

Morgana shot him a sideways look. “Don’t be ridiculous, Arthur. I disowned you the moment I found out we were related.”

Arthur’s lips twitched. “Of course. I wasn’t a good brother anyway.”

“And I wasn’t a good sister so I guess it worked out,” Morgana said, looking up at Arthur. “So, am I to be locked in my room or what?”

“Well, you did save all of Camelot so you are pardoned. Word spread fast so there shouldn’t be much backlash. But if there is, we’ll deal with it. I just don’t want to lose you again.” Arthur looked away, his gaze trailing down to the citadel.

Morgana followed and caught sight of Merlin and Gwaine. Morgana was ever so grateful when he offered to take care of Morgause’s body. She couldn’t have done that herself. And with Gwaine at his side, it seemed they finished fairly quickly. They were sitting on the steps to the castle, laughing and talking. “I don’t think I’m the one you have to worry about losing.”

Arthur immediately averted his gaze. “What?”

Morgana jerked her chin towards the pair. “Have you thanked him yet?”

“No. I think he’s avoiding me.”

“Shocker.”

Arthur frowned. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“What are they doing?”

“Hmm?”

Morgana let out a disbelieving sigh. “Merlin and Gwaine. What are they doing?”

“I don’t know. They’re talking.”

“They’re flirting.”

Arthur pursed his lips. “No, they’re not.”

Morgana studied Arthur’s profile. His jaw was clenched painfully tight and his eyes seemed to flicker everywhere but the couple on the ground. “Do you know why I helped?”

“No.”

“It was Merlin. He found me and had hope for me when no one else did. He was a bit late but he saved me. Looking back, I’m ashamed of how I was. I let the bitterness and anger take over and I nearly became as bad as Uther. But Merlin brought me back and if he didn’t I would’ve lost my mind.” Morgana reached over to grip Arthur’s arm. “Don’t thank me. Thank Merlin.”

Arthur leaned his elbows against the railed and raked his hands through his hair harshly. “I will.”

“Do you know that there was a time, just a few years ago, when Merlin looked at you the same way he’s looking at Gwaine?”

Arthur went stiff but Morgana forged on.

“Honestly, I think that Gwaine would be good for Merlin. Gwaine’s already in love with him. He’s loyal and understanding and basically everything you’re not. Merlin knows everything about him and his past and they fit well together. What’s stopping them from getting together?”

Arthur tore his gaze away, his voice cracking. “What?”

“Do you love him?”

“Of course I do,” Arthur whispered. “I’ve loved the guy since he told me off in front of all my asshole friends his first day in Camelot.”

“Then why the hell are you here talking to me while Merlin’s down there talking to Gwaine? What are you trying to do? What’s stopping Merlin and Gwaine from falling in love? What’s stopping Merlin from giving up on you? What’s stopping you from talking to him?” Morgana demanded, her voice rising.

“I’m scared,” Arthur whispered.

Morgana paused. “You’re what?”

“I said I’m scared. It’s an emotion that I do feel every now and then.” Arthur snapped.

“Oh, I know. I just didn’t think you would give up so readily. You just admitted you were scared. To me.”

Arthur shot her a look. “I’m terrified, Morgana. Is that what you want to hear? I’m scared and now I’m losing Merlin and honestly, I’m surprised he hasn’t given up on me already. I don’t deserve him, Morgana.”

“No. You don’t. Is that why you’re scared?”

“I can’t lose him again. I just want a good, healthy relationship but I feel like everything before was just built on lies. He just froze time back there. Without breaking a sweat. He’s capable of things I can’t even wrap my mind around. And you know, maybe you’re right. Merlin and Gwaine would be great together. Gwaine trusts him and loves him and accepts him and gives him the happiness that I could never give. I just— I’m scared that I’ll screw up again. That he won’t tell me things and I’ll react terribly and the whole thing will fall apart because I don’t fucking understand—”

Morgana moved closer. “Woah, Arthur. Take a breath.”

Arthur squeezed his eyes shut, trying to drag air into his lungs.

Morgana glanced back down. “Yeah, I mean. You and Merlin have done a whole lot of emotional damage to each other. But I’m not your therapist. And neither is he. Do you know how to solve this?”

“If you say talk to him—”

“Talk to him. Healthy relationships are built on communication.”

Arthur scoffed. “What the hell do you know about healthy relationships?”

“Nothing. I ruined all the healthy relationships I’ve ever had by trying to kill everyone I’ve ever loved. Face it, Arthur. We’re both hopeless. I think it’s Uther’s fault.”

“Uther’s fault,” Arthur repeated, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah. He fucked us up. All that talk of ‘love is weak’ and ‘never show your emotions’ shit. Aren’t we a pair?” Morgana said, dropping her head in her hands.

“Is it too late?”

“It’s never too late. Just talk to him, Arthur. And if he doesn’t want you anymore, at least you’ll know. And then you’ll move on.” Morgana said.

Arthur chewed on his lip, glancing down. “And if I can’t?”

Morgana stared up at him and curled her lips bitterly. “Then you’ll live the rest of your life in regret. But you’ll never know if you don’t get over your stupid insecurities and try.”

* * *

The sun had just set outside when Gwaine and Merlin finally made their way inside. After burying Morgause, Merlin had been awfully down and Gwaine sought to change that. And judging by the soft smile spread over his lips, he’d succeeded.

Merlin pressed his forehead to the glass, his eyes fluttering shut. Gwaine’s heart clenched ever so slightly. The moonlight washed out his face in silver and formed shadows under his eyes and sharp cheekbones. Gwaine leaned against the wall, inching closer. “Hey.”

Merlin twisted his head to face Gwaine. His lips curled. “Thanks for today.”

Gwaine tracked his eyes over the fleck of dirt on his cheek and the stray curl that looped over his ear. With everything going on, it seemed that Merlin had forgotten to get his haircut. Arthur always liked Merlin’s hair short, probably because he had an unhealthy obsession with Merlin’s ears. And as much as Gwaine loved Merlin’s ears, he couldn’t help but think that longer hair suited him. 

“What are you looking at?” Merlin asked, his voice soft.

Gwaine huffed out a small laugh. He reached up and pulled on Merlin’s hair, tucking the few stray strands behind his ears. His fingers slipped down to Merlin’s cheek to carefully wipe away the dirt. His skin was cold to the touch.

Merlin’s breath caught, his eyes flicking across Gwaine’s face, trying to read his eyes. “You didn’t answer my question.”

Gwaine shrugged. “I’m looking at you.”

Merlin stared back. “Why?”

“You’re beautiful.”

Merlin licked his lips unconsciously, the muscle beneath Gwaine’s hand twitching. Gwaine’s eyes followed the movement. He inched closer, praying to all the gods that he wasn’t misunderstanding the situation. Merlin’s hand snaked up to loop around Gwaine’s wrist, holding him in place. Gwaine’s other hand slid over Merlin’s hip, as their foreheads pressed together. Merlin’s breath was hot and uneven and Gwaine honestly wouldn't have known if the entire castle just crumbled around them.

Gwaine carefully pressed his finger beneath Merlin’s jaw to tilt his head up. He paused, their lips a mere inch apart. Merlin’s eyes were squeezed shut and his fingers had tightened to a death grip on Gwaine’s wrist. Merlin didn’t close the distance. Gwaine sighed, blowing a breath over his face. “Merlin.”

He didn’t open his eyes, his breath stuttering. Gwaine pulled back, trying to shove his disappointment to the furthest depths of his chest. Gwaine tapped his cheek. “Merlin. Open your eyes.”

After five full seconds, his eyes cracked open, the bright blue filled with unshed tears. His lips trembled, fingers tightening against Gwaine's wrist.

Gwaine carefully moved his hand from Merlin’s face and pulled back. Merlin let out a small whimper, immediately backing away the moment Gwaine released him. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I—”

Gwaine moved forward and hugged him. He slid his hands up Merlin’s back and buried his face in his dark hair. After some time, Merlin relaxed, melting like butter in his grip. “It’s okay. I’m sorry, too.”

Merlin trembled in his grip, his knees buckling. Gwaine lowered them to the ground. “Hey. Hey. Just breath. Merlin.”

Merlin shoved himself back against the wall and pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes. 

Gwaine tugged at Merlin’s arm. “Stop it. Don’t hurt yourself.”

Merlin dropped his hands and pressed his forehead to his knees. Gwaine slid up beside him and knocked their shoulders together. He racked his mind for something to say but came up empty. He wanted nothing more than to storm to Arthur’s chambers and shove out of his window. Maybe that would knock some sense in him.

Gwaine moved to touch Merlin but stopped when Merlin’s head shot up and he pulled back. “Don’t. I— please don’t.”

Gwaine tucked his hands beneath his legs. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed—”

Merlin shook his head. “I didn’t stop you. I didn’t— I mean, I thought that—”

“Don’t do it for my benefit. Merlin, it doesn’t change anything if you close your eyes and think of a blond head the entire time.”

Merlin jerked as if he’d been punched. “I wasn’t—”

“No? I doubt it would’ve worked anyway. Arthur’s a bit more clean-shaven than me.”

Merlin scowled. “I wasn’t thinking of Arthur.”

“Then what?”

Merlin bit his lip. “I was just— I thought I could fall for you. It took me a while, but I’m not so stupid that I don’t see how you look at me. I mean, you’re Gwaine. It would be so easy to fall in love with you. And I tried. But I can’t.”

“Well, of course, you can’t. You don’t force yourself to fall in love with someone.”

“Love is a choice. That’s all it is.”

“You’re right. It is a choice. But you didn’t choose me, Merlin. Don’t force yourself. That’s not fair to you and that’s certainly not fair to me.”

“I know. I know. I'm such a jerk.”

Gwaine nudged Merlin. “I wouldn’t go that far. Listen to your heart. You know what you want.”

“What if I can’t have what I want?”

Gwaine leaned his head back against the cold wall and watched as Merlin wrung his hands together. “Then you move on.”

Merlin glanced up, his eyes unbelievably sad. “Gwaine—”

“But you and I are not the same. You don’t have to move on. Because what you want, you can have. It’s just a shame that the man you love is an idiot.”

Merlin let out a sharp laugh. “Yeah. He is. But underneath it all, he’s a good man.”

“I never doubted that.”

“It’s weird. Everywhere I go, people are telling me different things. They say that Arthur doesn’t deserve me but I turn around and they tell me to go after him because he’s just being stupid. And I’m still so angry at him but I’m scared that I’ll just fall back into arms because I don’t know if that’s what I want—”

“You’re thinking too much. I’ll admit, I don’t think Arthur deserves you. But then again, I don’t think anyone truly will. But if I do know one thing, it’s that Arthur loves you. And once he gets over himself, I know that he will do anything possible to make himself into someone who does deserve you.”

Merlin furrowed his eyebrows. “But what if—”

“Forget about it. When he comes around, he’ll come around. Only then you worry about what you want to do. But don’t spend that time losing your mind. Go to sleep, Merlin. It’s been a long day.”

Merlin winced. “I’m sorry. It was insensitive of me to tell you all that.”

“Don’t stop. I’m here if you need me. It’s okay.” Gwaine leaned over and squeezed Merlin’s arm.

Merlin stared down at Gwaine’s hands. “I hope you find someone. You deserve more than someone like me, who can’t set their mind straight.”

Gwaine whispered. “You don’t need to set your mind straight. If you do, then you have no chance with Arthur. Although—”

Merlin rolled his eyes and shoved Gwaine. “I’m serious. Be happy.”

“I will be. Don’t worry about me.” Gwaine said, rising to his feet. “Good night, Merlin.”

Merlin’s throat bobbed as he curled into the floor. “Night, Gwaine.”

And as Gwaine walked away, he could feel Merlin’s eyes on his back and it took everything in him to not run back and lose himself.

* * *

Arthur slammed the door to his room shut, praying to all the gods that he could just melt through the wood. He squeezed his eyes shut trying to expel the vision from his mind but all he could see was Gwaine’s hand on Merlin’s cheek and the soft whispers and—

Arthur cursed, pushing himself off the door. He’d gone down hoping to talk to Merlin but it seemed he was rather pre-occupied. It was too late. Arthur let out a shuddered breath and collapsed on his bed, staring at the red canopy above. His fingernails dug into his palm painfully, drawing blood. He vaguely wondered whether George would notice the drops of red against the already blood-red sheets. 

It was like everywhere he looked from the flag that stood proud on the highest tower to the cape that was always looped around his neck, there was red. A taunting reminder of the crimes he’d committed. Of the lives lost and blood spilled. 

Arthur sat up, burying his face in his hands. He was too late. Arthur raised his head towards the window. The moon was obscured by the towers and left the room in darkness. The flames in the back were just small sparks that Arthur was too lazy to fire up again. 

He knew it would happen. Almost everyone told him.  _ You’re going to lose him.  _ But there was always a part of Arthur that never believed it. It was Merlin. And ever since he saved his life, it had always been Merlin and Arthur. Through everything. And he never once truly thought that he would lose that. It’s stupid of him, really. After all, he was the one who pushed him away. He was the one who told him to get a life when really, all he wanted was for Merlin to be in his.

Arthur scrubbed at where the skin had broken on his palm, uncaring of the way it stung in the cool air. His father always told him to never let his personal feelings affect his rulings. He could remember the time when Lancelot first arrived in Camelot, cheating his way to the knights’ ranks. He could remember the way his father had glared at him.  _ “How can you trust a man who lied to you?” _

Being king was the loneliest thing one could be. He’d never felt the brunt of it with Merlin, who was always there at his side. Whose advice Arthur valued more than he’d like to admit. But Merlin didn’t need Arthur anymore. He had Gwaine. And Arthur all but encouraged it. And that made everything a thousand times worse. To know that even when everything seemed to be falling apart, it was no one’s fault but your own.

And honestly, he didn’t understand how everyone just let Merlin’s lies go. How they all just accepted him with no qualms. He’d tried to put himself in Merlin’s shoes but Arthur just couldn’t wrap his mind around it. He told Merlin everything. Trusted him with things he wouldn’t dare tell anyone else. Did Merlin truly think Arthur would kill him in cold blood? The man he loved?

And though there was a part of Arthur that still hated the way Merlin had spewed nothing but lies to his face, it was selfish of him to think he could legalize magic on his own. It was selfish of him to try to put all the blame on Merlin when it wasn’t his fault.

Arthur almost threw up thinking about it. For the past few months, he’d been furious at his father for blaming magic for his own guilt. It was terrifying to think he was doing something similar. For all his faults, Arthur never thought he was anything close to what Uther was. He never wanted to be the kind of king who was feared. The kind of king who was painfully alone. He always wanted to make the people feel safe. Wanted. Accepted. He always wanted to be the kind of king that someone like Merlin would be proud to stand beside.

Arthur swallowed roughly and shoved down the bile that seemed to rise in his throat. It was clear that he was really nowhere near what he wanted to be. But he would get there. With Morgana’s help. With Merlin’s help. Personal feelings be damned.

_ \--0-o-0-- _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know it was incredibly lazy to fall back on gwaine to be the catalyst but imo i think it made some sense. gwaine, to me, deserves more than merlin, who we all know will be stuck on arthur, so he's going to get his happy ending with someone else. sooo merlin is torn, gwaine is sad, and arthur... well you know. he'll go through a shit ton of angst as well bc i’m a sucker for making people suffer. if you couldn’t tell already.
> 
> i do hope that I'm not dragging this out or making it too repetitive so let me know what you think below. next installment will have a lot more merlin + arthur interaction as they come to a truce... ish.


End file.
